You know that feeling: The one where your chest hurts. You can’t breathe. You look at your to-do list and think how can I get all of this done?
You know that thought: The one where your head is spinning. You can’t breathe. You look at your family and think I’ve got nothing left to give.
You know that action: The one where you feel paralyzed. You can’t breathe. You look at your life and think when do I get my time?
While I can’t say for certain that we’ve all been there, I think it is pretty easy to say, so many of us have. And generally those thoughts, feelings, and actions are followed by another set of feelings: guilt or shame.
Parenting guilt is that feeling that you aren’t doing a good enough job as a parent, that you should be doing more, or that you have somehow messed up your child. It can also be that feeling that comes from working outside of the home and thinking you are not around enough. Guilt is based on judgment that you’ve done something wrong or bad.
Shame, on the other hand, is the feeling that you are wrong or unworthy, in this case, as a parent. Shame also tends to create physical reactions, like loss of sleep and/or appetite and increased heart rate.
In our society today both parenting guilt and parenting shame are pervasive. As parents, we are being pulled in so many directions that we don’t feel that we can get everything done. Depending on your make-up, you may feel guilt, shame, or both. Neither of which is good for you or your children.
But living in a constant cycle of guilt or shame, feeling that you are not worthy or good enough as a parent (or in any other capacity) is not healthy. If you’re like me, you’ve had those thoughts of not being a good enough mom or, to put it bluntly, that you just suck at parenting. If you’re also like me, it sends you into a spiral of the things you are doing wrong or that you are just wrong or bad, in general.
When these thoughts, feelings and (re)actions arise, it may seem like there is no way to put the breaks on to bring them to a screeching halt. However, there are steps that you can take to help yourself readjust and, at a minimum, slow the shame or guilt spiral.
1. Keep a Success Journal
While shame and guilt may be widespread, celebrating our successes (no matter how small), especially for women, is almost a non-occurrence. Why we don’t is a topic for another day. BUT we should be celebrating them.
What if every time your toddler ate his green beans instead of tossing them on the ground, you did a little fist pump? What if every time your pre-teen (I hate the term tween) went to bed without her phone or an argument, you did a happy dance? What if every time your teenager came to you to discuss a friend issue, you gave yourself a pat on the back?
Wouldn’t that feel good?
Instead of a happy dance or fist pump, I suggest keeping a “success journal”. You can use a small notebook you carry with you or an online format (think Notes, Evernote, etc.). Any time something happens where you find yourself smiling or thinking, “maybe I don’t suck at this parenting thing”, write it down.
Once you’ve written it down, don’t forget about it. Make a habit of checking it regularly.
Most importantly, make sure to take a look at your success journal when the thoughts, feelings and actions around shame and guilt make an appearance. It will be a great reminder that you actually don’t suck.
2. Remember You are Human
Guess what? You are NOT a robot or some artificial intelligence machine. YOU ARE HUMAN. And there is only one of you.
You have a lot of responsibilities. Sometimes one or two of them may get lost along the way. Most of the time, it will not be the end of the world. Just pick up and keep going.
If the guilt or shame comes from the belief that you are not home with your children as much as you think you should be, consider how you can shift your thought and your behavior. What can you tell yourself about working outside of the home? For some, it might be that they work outside of the home to provide food on the table and clothing on their backs; For others, it may be that they are showing their children what it means to have a career they are passionate about. For each of us, the shift we need to make in our thoughts is likely different.
Similarly, how can you shift your behavior? For some, it might be that the phone gets put away when you walk in the door until the children are in bed and then it’s back to work. For others, it may mean that the mess in the kitchen sits a little longer. The point is if you feel bad about not spending time with your children, what can you do so that the time you have with them becomes a priority and quality time?
Oftentimes, a shift can help us get out of the shame/guilt spiral and put us on a path towards where we want to be.
3. There is No Such Thing as Perfection
How many parents do you know who show up everywhere? Are involved in everything? They have the “perfect” children. They have the “perfect” house. Seeing them or hearing them just makes you feel worse and exacerbates the shame or guilt.
Don’t let them fool you. There is no such thing as perfection. In fact, I once heard Tony Robbins say “Perfection is the lowest possible standard.” Think about it, if you have reached perfection, then what? There is no room to grow. Perfection gets you nowhere.
More importantly, what you are seeing from those “perfect” parents is exactly what they want you to see. How much of it is real?
Remember, you are doing your best. Don’t try to be “perfect” because you will never be. If perfection is your goal, the shame/guilt cycle will only get worse. Instead, keep growing.
Keep striving to be the best parent, employee, spouse, human, you can be. Focusing on being the best you can be, doing the best you can do, can help the shame and guilt begin to recede.
4. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Similar to the concept that there is no such thing as perfection, comparing yourself to others will not help you feel better. Why? Because most of those “perfect” people aren’t really what they seem.
Think about what you see on social media. How many happy, smiling pictures do you see? Celebrations? Sometimes when I see these pictures, I think, “wow! Look at them!” Then I question what is really going on behind closed doors. When we were going through the worst of the health issues with my youngest daughter and other aspects of my life weren’t where I wanted them to be, my social media feed didn’t show any of that. Only those closest to me were aware of my struggles and, even then, not all of them were.
I recently had a conversation with a friend, a divorced mom of two teenagers, who complained about how horrible her life was and that everyone else’s was better than hers. She took what she saw on Facebook as truth and couldn’t understand that it wasn’t always reality. A post celebrating 20 years of marriage doesn’t mean that the couple isn’t in marriage therapy. A picture of a home renovation doesn’t mean that the person isn’t on the brink of bankruptcy. Her response was that everybody was lying. During our conversation, she admitted to some red flags about her new boyfriend. Ironically, later that day, she posted a very happy looking picture of her with the boyfriend.
The point is you can’t believe everything you see and hear, so why are you punishing yourself by comparing your life to someone else’s. Learning to take a step back and recognize that no one else is going through your experiences and you are not going through theirs, can help to dilute some of the shame and guilt you may feel that you are not worthy or good enough. It can also help to lessen the need to “keep up with the Joneses”.
Think about how comparison is serving you. Is it making you feel good about yourself? Likely the answer is a big fat NO.
You are probably asking yourself how to stop making the comparisons. I will admit it is NOT an easy task to stop comparing yourself to others especially if it is something you’ve been doing for a while. But doing so can make you feel so much better.
Some suggestions to help stop comparing yourself to others:
- Take a break, or at least limit, your exposure to social media.
- Remember we are all on our own journey and have our own experiences.
- Remind yourself that you don’t know what is really going on in other people’s lives – someone who may seem to have a great life or existence may actually be comparing themselves to you.