“What do you mean she’s not going to school again?” “You have more doctors’ appointments than anyone I know!”
How many times have you heard those questions or other ones like them? If you’re like me, it’s more than you can count. And each time you hear it, you can sense the judgment in the statements. What’s worse, you can feel the lack of support coming from the person making the comment and it’s usually someone who should be their TO support you.
How many times have you wanted to reply, “You think I WANT to go to all these appointments?” or “Yes! It’s exactly how I love to spend my day!” Or maybe you have. (I can admit to these snarky responses on at least one occasion!)
But there has to be a better way to respond, right? Of course there is!
One thing I found when my daughter was at the height of her health issues was the people just didn’t understand what we were going through. I understood, in theory, why that was: they never had a child or spouse who had gone through chronic health problems. They didn’t understand what went on in my house on an almost daily basis. I could argue that they still don’t.
There are things that you can do to help yourself when dealing with others.
1. Be Selective About What You Tell People and Who You Tell
In all honesty, this may be the most important thing and also the one I dislike the most. Most of us strive to be understood and have support. Unfortunately, because most people have not, and will not, experience the situation and stress you are going through, they cannot understand it.
There’s no question that it hurts but I promise it will hurt less than the questions or seeming lack of support.
For those who you feel are supportive, tell them as much as you are comfortable with. Not everyone needs to know everything – they likely don’t care. If you need time off from work, you can let your office know that your child is sick. If additional time is needed, you may need to give more information (i.e., my child needs to go to the ER or my child is having surgery). If more information is requested, give it only if you want to or if it is necessary to take time off.
The same thing applies with friends and family. Give the information necessary to those who you believe will understand. Surprisingly, it may not be those you are closest to.
2. Take the Time to Explain to Those Whom You Really Need to Understand
We all have family members or friends who we really need to understand what is going on in our lives. It could be the child’s grandparents. It could be your closest friends. If this is the case, it’s important to take the time to sit down and talk to them. Explain that your child is having physical and/or mental health issues that are ongoing. Explain that there are things that you are dealing with and that it would be great to have support, without judgment, as you are going through them.
Be as specific as you think is necessary or that you are comfortable with. If you are having financial issues because of health expenses and aren’t comfortable discussing it, don’t. But, you might find it helpful to discuss problems that your other children are having related to the time spent with the sick child. It may be helpful to explain HOW you are feeling. They won’t know unless you tell them.
It is also helpful to explain to friends and family what you really do need. If it will be helpful to have someone check in on you, let them know. If you might need help with other children because of doctors’ appointments, ask friends or family if they can help. Again, people won’t know what you need unless you tell them.
3. Find a Support Group
Today, there are so many affinity groups it tends to be relatively easy to find a group of people who are going through similar things. On FaceBook alone you can find parents of children with chronic health issues, parents with children with anxiety and depression, and so forth. Check them out. You may find the support that you wish you were getting from your friends and family from these groups.
I also learned that there were other people I knew who were going through similar situations. They weren’t close friends but it didn’t matter. Just knowing that someone else understood, was helpful.
4. Take a Breath and Remember That the Comment is More About Them than You
I know, I know. You are probably thinking that this won’t help you. But it really can. Most people’s reactions to other people’s situations are more about them than you. A person’s reaction to something has to do with what is coming up for them around that situation or thing. How many times have you heard something that you have thought, “Wow! I am so glad that I don’t have to worry about that!” Such a thought is YOUR reaction to whatever it is you just heard. So when your friend or family member reacts in a manner that you find insensitive or unsupportive, it is likely not intentional. Rather, it is more likely a response to their own thoughts or feelings.
Keeping that in mind can help slow your response to the comments. It may not be easy and, admittedly, it may still sting when you hear comments that hurt. But taking a breath and reminding yourself that the person may not be comfortable with what you are experiencing can truly help.