You’ve decided to reach out and get help for you or your child. You’ve made the decision to see a therapist or a psychologist. Making that decision is a huge first step.
But then what? How do you know if the person you’ve selected is the RIGHT one for you or your child?
Finding the right provider, be it a therapist, psychologist, or coach, is one of the most important parts of the process.
The idea for this post came after a conversation with a friend regarding an experience her daughter had with a therapist. The pre-teen had seen someone for an issue and really liked her. That issue was resolved. Some time later, her mother thought it might be beneficial to see the therapist again in relation to a new development. The child met with the therapist but did not feel the same connection. In fact, she felt judged by the therapist.
The conversation got me thinking.
When you choose to work with someone to help you through your problems, past, and concerns, it is so important to make sure that you find the person that is right for you. Getting recommendations is great but it doesn’t mean that that person will be the best fit to help you or your child.
When my daughter was at the height of her health problems and having a hard time managing her chronic pain as well as missing school, I decided that it would be in her best interest to find someone to help teach her to manage her pain and anxiety. A therapist was recommended to us. My daughter was 9 at the time and had been experiencing health problems for two years. From the outset, she had resistance to going but, ultimately, agreed to go. Almost immediately, she kept saying she didn’t like the therapist. She would cry before and after the appointments and didn’t want to go in alone. She didn’t understand why the therapist was asking about things unrelated to what she had been experiencing.
During this time, my daughter was required to have her tonsils removed along with two other procedures. I’d made an appointment with the therapist for ten days after the surgery, thinking she would be recovered by that time. She wasn’t. Trying to get her into and out of the car was horrible. She cried the whole appointment and refused to talk because her throat was in pain. I recall the moment the therapist told my daughter that she should have been healed. She also told her that if she did not talk to her that day, she was going to make her come back later in the week! She was nine! I was shocked. We left the office that day and never returned. I finally was able to see what my daughter had been trying to tell me. What I thought was her resistance to therapy was really her resistance to that therapist.
Subsequently, my daughter agreed to allow me to find someone who focused on children with chronic pain, which I did. She developed an amazing relationship with that therapist, who was doing her fellowship and only available for a limited time. The therapist who replaced her was amazing. The next one, not so much – she was similar to the initial therapist and my daughter shut down again. At the age of eleven, my daughter learned to have the hard conversation of telling the therapist that she didn’t think they were a good fit.
We ultimately found a different practice. My daughter has now been seeing a therapist with whom she has an amazing connection and she speaks freely with her, without me in the room, and even schedules her own appointments! It’s amazing what finding the right person to help you can do.
When looking for a therapist, psychologist or even a coach, there are several things to consider:
1. Connection
My oldest daughter calls this the “Vibe”. Being able to connect with the person to whom you are expressing your deepest thoughts and feelings is important. While a therapist, psychologist, or coach is not going to be your best friend, if you are not comfortable talking to them and opening up, it will be hard to obtain the benefit of the relationship and each session.
Having experienced and witnessed good relationships and not-so-good ones, the difference is huge.
Trust your instinct on this one. If you are looking for someone for yourself, ask whether you feel like you can connect with this person. Do they understand you? Do you feel like you are being judged?
If it is for your child, the same questions apply but listen and really hear what your child is saying about the person. If your child continues to complain and fight you, listen to him. It may be that the therapist and your child just don’t “vibe.”
2. What do you want to get out of your sessions?
There are therapists who will listen and nod. There are others who will question you and call you out on your “stuff”. Are you looking for someone to agree with what you are saying? Or are you looking for someone to be honest about things you have done or haven’t done?
Personally, I prefer a therapist who has no problems telling me that I need to change or take responsibility for my actions. (The only thing good to come from my daughter’s first therapist was her referral to mine!) But that’s me. I know people who are simply looking for someone who they can rant to and who will listen – a step up from a friend. Both of these types of therapists serve a purpose.
Knowing what you want and asking a potential provider questions related to what you want can help you select the person who is right for your needs and wants.
3. The Atmosphere of the Room
In today’s virtual world, this may not be necessary, BUT it is important for in-person visits. What does the office look like? Is it comforting? Is it clinical? Are you comfortable in the room? If you are comfortable sitting (or lying down), in the place where you will be spending an hour of your day, will you be comfortable discussing what brought you there in the first place?
If the therapist is for your child, consider your child’s age. An elementary school student will likely feel comfortable in an environment where there are games and smaller furniture. A teen may be more willing to talk in a big comfy chair.
Whatever your reasons for seeking help, the right person and environment can make all the difference!